Taking a break

I didn't make my challenge goals. I did pretty well, but fell a few thousand short. I got off to a bad start, so it was never really that close.

Tonight, for the first time, poker felt like work. I looked down at my chips - I had about $500 in front of me at the time, and realized that I didn't care whether I won or lost. Winning wasn't going to change anything, or give me any thrill, and losing wasn't going to hurt. I was bored. I looked around at the table, and noticed that although I knew 5 or 6 players by name, they weren't my friends, and probably never would be. So what was I doing there? This is the first I've had this feeling - and frankly I'm surprised that it took this long. It's not something that built up steadily, I just felt very strongly, in that moment, that I had taken at least this part of the poker journey as far as I wanted to go. One really great thing that's happened to me over the past few years is that I suddenly see things in my life amazingly clearly. This was one of those moments.

I've proven to myself that I can do this. I've been making money steadily for almost eight months playing poker, and I have loved it. I have been a professional poker player. I can say that. I've worked hard at it and I'm proud. There is no doubt that I could never have a real job again, and still have financial independence. I've achieved all of the goals that I laid out in one of my first blogs...what now?

Let me start with what I know. I don't want to be a "grinder" my whole life. If this is how good I am at poker, it's not enough. I don't want to beat up on low to mid stakes poker games every day. I've done it responsibly, and to the best of my ability. The money is fine. The challenge is not enough to maintain my passion. The thrill of the chase is gone. If I'm going to do something that basically gives nothing back to humanity, I at least better LOVE it, not just like it.

So I can go 2 different ways. The first is just to quit playing full time. I have saved enough money that I can take my time looking for a new career. In the meantime, I can write, volunteer, concentrate on fitness, and start going out more - find my next passion. I don't think I'm ready to do that.

The second way is to really a take my shot. I might be good enough to play at the highest level. The truth is that I've beaten every game I've played. How can I quit without taking a risk? Shouldn't I keep climbing the ladder until I get knocked down? "If you never try, you'll never know." This would involve risking a lot of my bankroll on some big tournaments - the kind you see on TV, where the cash is six to seven figures. I've worked my ass of for that money...taking a lot of it and spending it on a few tournaments is really bad bankroll management - but if I don't take my shot now, I will always wonder....and money comes and goes anyway.

So I'm going to take some time - certainly days, probably weeks, to think about it. Actually, I'm going to take some time to not think about it - but I trust that I'll find the answer in my quiet.

So I've enjoyed the ride. It's either time to get off, or speed up....I'll let you know soon.